Day 24: Body Language

Beyond my discomfort at having to address more guilt and myriad shortcomings of character and good taste, part of the reason I've been waiting until the evening to post my entries is because I'm increasingly ambivalent about nearing the close of this book, the exercises and the blog itself.

After all of my kicking and screaming, I can't imagine that everything's going to tie up nicely in some kind of spiritual bow and ribbons. How can it when I've just begun to address my struggle with portion control and lingering inclination toward sweets?

My own reservations aside, I continue with Denise's daily work. And, today, I'm looking more closely at my body, what I put in it and particularly how I carry it. If a stranger were to watch the way I use my body, she asks, what kind of judgments would that person make about me? Before I began throwing hissy fits and displaying inappropriate behavior all over the place, I would have said people would think I was down to earth, creative, high-spirited and confident. For the most part, I believe that to be true. Unless you see me on my way to the gym or midway through a jog down a neighborhood street. You'd think I was walking the last mile of my life—a kind of Dead Woman Walking—such is my resistance at getting/taking physical exercise lately.

But Denise makes a good point by saying our physical carriage can change the way we see ourselves. Try slouching your shoulders and hanging your head while holding an optimistic attitude. Near impossible, right? She suggested modeling a positive quality throughout the day, and I chose efficiency and initiative. And it worked, right up til the gym.

I dragged myself, sluggish and dense as a bag of wet sand. I waited in the car until I could summon the energy to open the door and get to my business. Once inside, I took my place on the elliptical machine and looked out over the parking lot, wishing I was back in my car. But as the evening sun began to break through the clouds on its way down, it hit me: I'm not doing too bad at all, people. Not bad at all.

Seeing signs in everything as I do these days, I noticed the sun on its slow descent as I powered away on my running machine and thought about how steady and consistent it was at simply being itself. Unlike me, the sun wasn't worried about its progress or its age and status.* It couldn't care less about who was around it, getting in its way (in this case, clouds and the occasional plane) or obscuring its view. Because it was on a mission. It was complete in and of itself. And, as I sweated profusely, I came to yet another revelation** about my body and my Self in general: I'm doing pretty damn good. I've got the wherewithal in body and mind to take my health and wellbeing seriously enough to stay in good shape, and, although I love ice cream, I recognize my limits.***

In the end, I finished my workout with a renewed sense of Self and managed to reclaim the positive attitude I wielded for the greater part of the day. The sun's brilliant lesson showed me I don't have to place judgments on what I do, have or don't have, and the mere act of going about my business is all that's necessary. Doing so allows me to shine, Shine, SHINE! Wait, I feel a song coming on.**** It's a good thing for you I don't know how to work the audio features on this thing.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

*The sun also has no concern for sweets nor money—or getting rings on fingers!—but those are still biggies in my world.

**Gee, how many revelations have I come to in the past week alone? I'll have to go back through my notes.

***Weeeeeellllll, I did have two scoops of the Oreo-stuffed ice cream early in the afternoon. That was the only sweet treat of my day. Besides, two scoops in a cup, to my thinking, is far better than three in a chocolate dipped waffle cone with a mixed nut rim. I'm just saying.

****Think "Here Comes The Sun" by the Beatles.