PS . . . Soul Secrets a Week Later

After a week of finishing Denise's book, I wanted to check in to let you know how I'm doing. Not surprisingly, lots of the hard work has paid off and, dare I say I developed some good habits by the end of it all.

For starters, I'm still sweeping and cleaning regularly. My windows glisten and the sunlight pours through like laser beams. Naturally, my plants are thriving and the overall clean of less clutter—not that I had much to begin with—continues to fill my living space with an incredibly peaceful feeling. I'm still walking and running and taking more time to relax without needing to 'do' something at every given moment.

Though I continue to explore job opportunities with other companies, I'm discovering new ways to work for myself. And there are many. The other day I was on Amazon perusing someone's self -published book and discovered a slew of others in the same genre. Why not write my own, I thought. Well, maybe I will, I said. Later in the week I signed myself up for a summer arts fair where I'll be selling my rugs and other handmade goodies. Now it's a matter of getting down to the mass production of it all. Which thrills and unnerves me.

Musically speaking, I'm putting out more feelers for gigs around town, and I'm proud to say my efforts are being noticed. I walked into a club where a singer and pianist jazzed up the cocktail hour. Turned out I had read about the singer in a local paper and intended to check out her show at another popular venue where she works. What luck to see her also working in the other club I attended. Bitch. Well, I don't have to tell you I sat in my own jealousy for a minute, judging the woman and comparing my style to hers. But, but, but. Instead of bemoaning the fact that she was working all over town and not me (bitch!), I silently celebrated her success and took her presence as a reminder that I can do the same thing. She stood as an example of the benefits of hard work and perseverance. I even congratulated her on her way out and meant it.

It wasn't long before two people came to sit at the bar next to me—one of those two people was the club owner. While sitting there I reminded myself that, short of her coming over to me and ripping the cd out of my hands, I wouldn't have a better opportunity to speak one-on-one with her. See how the fates aligned in so many ways to help me get a gig there? No? Let me elucidate:

1. Before leaving home I made a conscious decision to put a cd in my purse 'just in case.'
2. When I arrived at the club, I had no idea the singer I had just been reading about would be performing. And she was good.
   
3. I was faced with my own jealousy and insecurity at seeing someone doing something I had wanted to do so badly. Thankfully, I seized the moment as a perfect opportunity to identify and embrace my jealousy since it was part of me. Then I moved through it to sincerely enjoy what she was doing.
   
4. I decided to view the woman's popularity as direct results of her hard work and perseverance, which—up to that point—I had not exhibited. My own dose of self-appraisal wasn't so easy to digest, but a glass of Shiraz helped soften the sting.
5. Having the owner walk right in and sit next to me was a great sign, and you know how fond Denise and I are of signs.
6. Walking up to her and putting my music in her hands while complimenting her on the talented duo she booked for cocktail hour made me feel good and let her associate my name and good nature with a face.*
7. Because I was proactive and optimistic, I went away from the experience feeling good, prepared and focused. Hot damn, do I rock or what?
   

All in all, the revelation that I don't have to sit around being a victim waiting for other people to rush in and save me or help me makes a big difference. Denise's work continues to help me see past my own whining and energizes my confident creative Self. Of course, I was already doing alright before the book, but the added push I got by doing the work has helped me identify and open lots of other doors.

On the romatical front, just two days ago, the man with whom I have occasional sex and meals referred to himself as my husband. Yesterday, I asked him about his comment and he repeated himself, which, of course is no ring on my finger, but he's at least talking in the right direction.

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*An even more attractive face, I might add, since I had just gotten my eyebrows 'fixed' earlier that day.

Day 28: The End of Days

When it comes to books I love, I'm the kind of reader who slows down toward the final pages in an attempt to extend the pleasure of my experience. In a couple of cases, I have yet to read the last ten or so pages years after rushing through all but the final chapters. I tell myself I'm still enjoying the book. No matter how ridiculous my strategy might sound, it prevents me from 'closing the book' on the book. So to speak. But Soul Coaching is a different story.

Denise's guide to finding my Authentic Self has kept me in a state of upheaval, frustration, excitement and anticipation for the past month, and even though I've arrived at the last exercise of many, today by no means marks the end of my Work.

As other exercises asked us to either go in or outside ourselves, today's task finds us doing both. In fact, she asks us to revisit images of ourselves becoming one with all the elements and going into prayer and thanksgiving. She asks us to dance with abandon and to listen to the voice of our individual soul and to keep an ear out for the Universal Soul, too. She wants us to perceive every experience as bearing a a lesson for our spirits. Today, we are to be all things, merging with the Air, Water, Fire and Earth, got it?

Good.

Throughout my day, I had no trouble identifying most of my encounters as positive ones placed here to help me on my way. When my girlfriend called to share a natural secret* recipe for hair conditioner, of course that was good news. She presented me with a lesson of how to mix up the ingredients and I learned it. Pretty straightforward. Even Denise would agree, I'm sure. Another great lesson for today—though not nearly so obvious as my secret hair conditioner recipe*—was revealed in a run by the lake. To be sure, I didn't want to go. I actually began to offer myself reasons not to go, and, believe me, they were convincing. But I pulled on my gear and took to the streets where I still told myself I could walk if I wanted. No such luck.

As I crossed the street, I picked up my pace and began a slow jog that ended nearly an hour later at my front door. The soul lesson? Many:

1. I'm allowed to gripe while I'm doing things that are good for me. I don't have to be giddy with enlightenment and perfection while I Improve myself. Usually, upon completion of the exercise—be it physical, mental or otherwise—I feel lots better for sticking it out.
   
2. Sticking it out looks impossible from the start if you don't start.
3. Putting one foot in front of the other can really take you places.
4. Moving is moving. Thinking about moving isn't. Neither is talking about it.
5. Moving burns calories. Thinking about moving doesn't. Neither does talking about it.

Now that I've come to the end of this book I can say lots of Changes are occurring, and, as Denise suggested, changes may still be happening in the months and years to come. I've really done it now, huh?

For starters, I have lots more clarity about who I am, what I'm capable of and where my unique voice fits in the larger scheme. As I write that, I'm thinking, WTF, that sounds trite and bullshitty. Maybe the more genuine sounding way to phrase this sentiment is that this program has reminded me that accepting myself totally—all my hissy fits as well as the more socially accepted trait of humility—rocks. When I do that, I own myself and nobody else's judgment or opinions matter.

Having lots of good laughs at the expense of old Fears was cathartic in ways I couldn't have imagined before. Being an occasional asshole toward the wealthy set was pretty enriching as well because it showed me a whole lot about my own surprising biases.**

And, aside from my $100 rebate check(!) and old friends resurfacing, I can't say I struck material pay dirt. Still, I'm happy with myriad discoveries in the end. No big bangs, keys to the city, rings on fingers or a shopping spree. No fancy cars, high speed chases or free lunches, either. Actually, I did get a free meal or two while I was doing this thing. Even so, you get my point. Ultimately I learned something. And the work's not over.

Day 28 and for all the mental, physical and spiritual Cleansing I've endured, something tells me I better invest in rubber gloves.

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*Since she swore me to secrecy, I'm not at liberty to divulge her special ingredients. Let's just say if you see me running my fingers through my bodaliciously supple, shiny hair, or if I'm distracted by my glistening visage in the nearest mirror, you'll know why.

**Please, Hawaii Self Helpers, do not let my insolence to deter you from granting me a reduced-rate entry into your Improvement programs by the sea. I've come a long way on my own, it's true, but I still have a few areas that need tweaking.

Day 27: Earthquakes

With one day to go, I'm a lot less wiggy than I thought I'd be. When I initially set out to do this thing, I never thought far enough ahead to see what the completion of this project would look like. To tell you the truth, I'm surprised at myself at having made it through so many exercises back to back with my wits in tact. More or less.

I think I was secretly hoping for an earth-shattering breakthrough when I started this book, a parting of the clouds of my ambivalence or clap of thunderous insights at the end of it all. You know, at least a mini-miracle for my troubles would have been nice, right? Well, I'd be remiss in saying nothing of the sort happened. Because it has, and if you've been reading along at all in the past few weeks, you know as well as I that the experience has been well worth it.

Interestingly enough, today's work focuses on looking ahead to the kind of future we desire. Denise asks us to create it through visualization and intention. Even though I'm still a little bit on the fence here, I'm way more inclined to embrace the validity of creating with my own thoughts if for no other reason than it's always through my creative . She says thoughts from the past are what create our present and that we are currently living the future we once thought about in the past. Which makes perfect sense to me now.*

'Believing is seeing' seems an appropriate turn of phrase here because it wraps up Denise's sentiments and shows just how contradictory this concept is to the conventional 'seeing is believing' strategy. Of course fancy Self-Helpers have been saying much the same thing since well before I came along—I'm talking Bible days here—but today's the day I happened to arrive at a new understanding of it. And if we reference the Good Book for a minute, turn to any passage about faith, and you'll likely arrive at this idea, too.**

Given that I happen to be an expert on the subject of ME, I know what past thoughts*** have led me to this point. Lots of good ones involving creative vision, fun and happiness, which I'm quite proud of. Lots of not-so-good ones, too, that played to fears of 'making it' and being 'enough' in a world of freakishly productive overachievers. Not so proud of there. But! Now that I'm embarking on a self-propelled journey into the future—on my terms—I'm going to create a scene replete with everything I've already got lots of (love, happiness, joy, radiant health and strength, dreams, creativity, friendship, talent, spunk, companionship and fun) and I'll add to that those qualities I feel I'm lacking in the present.**** I won't bother mentioning what it is I think I'm lacking because—if you didn't already get the message—being negative now may very well impact my future, and we don't want that.

And, just like our body language exercise a few days ago, I'm supposed to embody the positive effects of my futurific dreaming by experiencing the associated emotions as I imagine them. So when you see an animated lady singing out loud, twirling uncontrollably and kicking up her heels in the grocery store, you'll know I've just imagined myself winning Mega Millions. So don't worry, I'm not ill, just ecstatic.

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*Considering how clueless and fearful I have been in the past when it came to thinking about my future in terms of overall satisfaction and financial solvency, is it any wonder I'm clueless—and broke—now? Maybe I'd better seee myself with more certainty, conviction of purpose and loot in the future.

**I personally can't tell you exactly where to look for faith passages because I don't know the text like that. However, I can tell you visualizations and all this other talk about positive thinking has shown up as a brand new thing, but it smacks of Sunday schoo

***The waking thoughts, at least. Who knows what else lurks beneath the surface of my conscious self talk?

****Whatever I'm lacking in the present is due to my thoughts of lack in the past, which, if entertained and encouraged, will persist down the line and thereby create a less-than-desired reality if I don't do something proactive and positive right this minute. And I mean now.

Day 26: The Earthly Home

Way back when we started this work, Denise asked us to build an altar and to construct it with love and mindful attention for what matters most to our Selves and our Spirits. Today she's asked us to revisit that original request and to include—if we haven't already done so—images of loved ones, elements from nature and articles that represent the natural elements of Water, Air, Fire and Earth. She also wants us to include a feather as a reminder to take life lightly. All I've got on that score is a feather duster, and I suppose that could also serve as a reminder to keep my place clean and not to let the dust settle on my dreams.

In walking through my apartment, hand-in-hand with my Soul, as Denise also requested, I imagine us engaged in a conversation about what's working to raise and nurture my energy as well as what isn't. I see my spirit self is surprised and emboldened at my cleaner, fresher surroundings. 'Didn't know you had it in you,' I hear her say. My living room could be more lived in, we agree. And as far as bedrooms go, its spare quality of bed, mirror, table, dresser and chair are joined by soft accents of two plants on the window sill* and a home made rug on the floor. I've always kept this space relatively clutter free, so I'm pretty good on that score.

Moving toward the kitchen, I prefer not to stop at the bathroom because it's in dire need of sweeping, mopping and a major scrubbing of all ceramic surfaces. And I think we can spare my soul this discovery. I'd hate to scare her off on our first official tour.

As I envision us oohing and aahing around the kitchen, we both** sense a distinct change in the vibe where my soul-sucking trinkets used to be. 'Good job, sister' she exclaims as she claps me on the back with her downy spirit hand.

With that, we bid adieu and promise to reconvene at the close of this book. 'Hang in there, keep going and celebrate your small victories,' she urges as she fades back into the ether. I realize as she disappears how much she sounds like Denise. Hmm.

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*My soul delights in the presence of sparkly clean windows!

**In case you've just joined us, I am giving you the blow-by-blow of my imagined hand-in-hand tour with my Spirit as we discuss areas that are lifting my (our?) energy throughout my living space.

Day 25: Earth Angel

Can you believe I've made it this far through Denise's book? I'm positively thrilled. And before I get to today's work, I must share that my spanking clean windows are awesome. My plants seem to love them as well. They have perked up like mad. I'm also thrilled to be the recipient of a $100 rebate check, which arrived today from the computer company.* I have Denise to thank for giving me the framework to create so much change. So many feelings—even old friends—has been re/surfacing, I can't call it all coincidence. What a spine-tingling clusterfuck!

Anywho, today's work takes us to deeper into our bodies and into the body of the earth itself. Through a series of visualizations, we're asked to connect to the vibrations of the natural world around us and to feel ourselves at one with Nature. Yesterday's workout ran right along those lines. As I looked out the window of the gym and considered the beauty of the sunset, I reflected on it again this morning, thinking again about how we all benefit from the sun simply being itself. Accordingly, I owe it to the world, the Universe, MANKIND to be my true self, too. Don't worry, I'm only using the caps for dramatic effect. I'm no megalomaniac.

Remember that bullshit job fair I went to a couple of weeks ago? I totally had no business being there, and I knew it. Had I been paying attention to my natural vibration like Denise is talking about, I would have stayed at home, rather than going down there to feel like a complete nincompoop because I didn't 'fit in' to their scene. What I should have been doing was finding ways to do things I'm good at to make money, and—here comes another aha moment—the money would follow. Of course there's no guarantee that money would come from doing things I love—singing for peanuts and writing this free blog illustrate my point perfectly—but I know how great I feel when I do what I love. It sure beats the hell out of toiling away at things I suck at.

Anyway, Denise asks us to close our eyes and imagine ourselves in nature for about fifteen minutes. I attempted to do so today on the train, but got interrupted as the lady sitting next to me began to inch across the line on her side of the seat. She was antsy, way too boundary-free and extremely eager to get up in my space. I wasn't having it.

I see I'll have to revisit that visualization here at home. Alone.

But before I step away to mentally merge with Mother Earth, I'm digging the sound of the rain right now outside my windows.

PS Did I mention my windows now sparkle with clarity by day and by night?

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*Two years ago, I bought a computer that came with a 'free' printer, providing I turned in the rebate in time. I sent it in as per their rules. I then received a letter saying I missed the cutoff date and was therefore ineligible for the hundred bucks. Shit, I thought. Well, more than two full years later, they send me an email asking for my current address because they want to cut me a new check. And sure enough I'm on my way to the ban with it as we speak, er, type.

Day 24: Body Language

Beyond my discomfort at having to address more guilt and myriad shortcomings of character and good taste, part of the reason I've been waiting until the evening to post my entries is because I'm increasingly ambivalent about nearing the close of this book, the exercises and the blog itself.

After all of my kicking and screaming, I can't imagine that everything's going to tie up nicely in some kind of spiritual bow and ribbons. How can it when I've just begun to address my struggle with portion control and lingering inclination toward sweets?

My own reservations aside, I continue with Denise's daily work. And, today, I'm looking more closely at my body, what I put in it and particularly how I carry it. If a stranger were to watch the way I use my body, she asks, what kind of judgments would that person make about me? Before I began throwing hissy fits and displaying inappropriate behavior all over the place, I would have said people would think I was down to earth, creative, high-spirited and confident. For the most part, I believe that to be true. Unless you see me on my way to the gym or midway through a jog down a neighborhood street. You'd think I was walking the last mile of my life—a kind of Dead Woman Walking—such is my resistance at getting/taking physical exercise lately.

But Denise makes a good point by saying our physical carriage can change the way we see ourselves. Try slouching your shoulders and hanging your head while holding an optimistic attitude. Near impossible, right? She suggested modeling a positive quality throughout the day, and I chose efficiency and initiative. And it worked, right up til the gym.

I dragged myself, sluggish and dense as a bag of wet sand. I waited in the car until I could summon the energy to open the door and get to my business. Once inside, I took my place on the elliptical machine and looked out over the parking lot, wishing I was back in my car. But as the evening sun began to break through the clouds on its way down, it hit me: I'm not doing too bad at all, people. Not bad at all.

Seeing signs in everything as I do these days, I noticed the sun on its slow descent as I powered away on my running machine and thought about how steady and consistent it was at simply being itself. Unlike me, the sun wasn't worried about its progress or its age and status.* It couldn't care less about who was around it, getting in its way (in this case, clouds and the occasional plane) or obscuring its view. Because it was on a mission. It was complete in and of itself. And, as I sweated profusely, I came to yet another revelation** about my body and my Self in general: I'm doing pretty damn good. I've got the wherewithal in body and mind to take my health and wellbeing seriously enough to stay in good shape, and, although I love ice cream, I recognize my limits.***

In the end, I finished my workout with a renewed sense of Self and managed to reclaim the positive attitude I wielded for the greater part of the day. The sun's brilliant lesson showed me I don't have to place judgments on what I do, have or don't have, and the mere act of going about my business is all that's necessary. Doing so allows me to shine, Shine, SHINE! Wait, I feel a song coming on.**** It's a good thing for you I don't know how to work the audio features on this thing.

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*The sun also has no concern for sweets nor money—or getting rings on fingers!—but those are still biggies in my world.

**Gee, how many revelations have I come to in the past week alone? I'll have to go back through my notes.

***Weeeeeellllll, I did have two scoops of the Oreo-stuffed ice cream early in the afternoon. That was the only sweet treat of my day. Besides, two scoops in a cup, to my thinking, is far better than three in a chocolate dipped waffle cone with a mixed nut rim. I'm just saying.

****Think "Here Comes The Sun" by the Beatles.

Day 23: Full of Crap

I waited so long to get to this entry. Wanna know why? Surprise—Denise is making me uncomfortable again. No wonder why I've been eating like a junk food junkie lately—I must have subconsciously known she was going to ask me to detox and cleanse my body. It's not enough that I've spent the last three weeks going through my apartment evicting dust bunnies, corralling stray papers and PostIts, tossing unused clothes, shoes, books, knicknacks, sweeping, mopping and washing windows. Now she wants me to clean my physical body from the inside out. Grrr.

I know, I know, yesterday looked like I was coming down somewhat from my Anger and settling into what threatened to be a calming, grounding week. Well. You don't know how many fast food joints and point-of-purchase candy displays I had to ignore today. I take that back. If you've gone out of your house or past your pantry at all today, you've likely encountered just as many food-related temptations as I did.

Here's the thing that got me. And before I go any further, I have to admit I know I'm whining. Again. But she's on my case in a whole new way now. She's asking me to cleanse and purify, drink more water, eat greener food, savor fresh produce and then some. Her suggestions may sound healthy on the surface—and generally speaking, I already eat along those lines anyway*—but there's still more to it.

Today's work challenges me to come off of autopilot and take control of what I'm putting in my mouth, and that just leaves a bad taste. Oh, Denise! Here's the deal. Comfort food has the word "comfort" in it because it brings the eater—on the count of three, everybody—Comfort! Who ever gained solace from a stick of celery or coarse rye crisps? WTF? Tell me this instant what real-life woman or man you personally know reached for Brussel sprouts when their significant others walked out the door never to return again or worse. What peace of mind did nuts and twigs ever bring to the gal who gave her heart and never got a ring on her finger? How's she supposed to vent over a plate of tofu?** Where's the comfort in that?

Nowhere, that's where. Frankly put, Denise is refusing to let me sulk and play the victim when I might feel the need. More to the point, if I can't soothe my bruised emotions in empty calories and buttery fat ice cream when they arise, where the hell can I let loose in vice and victimization?

Five days away, and I'm running out of places to hide.*** Fine.

Despite my own Resistance, I went forward with the day's exercise just as I always have and constantly thought of ways to get around doing the work, which is why I'm posting so late. I pass Denise's challenge on to you just as she put it to me. Consider for a moment that your body is your very own temple. Completely yours and no one else's—which in and of itself is kind of radical when you think about it. How many of us can say that we really own OurSelves? Every time you feed the temple, ask yourself if what you're slipping in through its/your front door serves to "cleanse or clog" you. I guarantee after your first few feedings, you won't be feeling too much love either.

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*It's true; my diet is extremely healthy if you don't count when I go away on vacation, when I'm treated to a meal I don't have to pay for, when I'm feeling hemmed in and need an emotional snack to fill an unfillable void and so on. Yeah, for all intents and purposes, my diet's already exemplary. More or less.

**Not to offend tofu eaters because I've got a potentially delicious bland block of the stuff in my fridge as we speak, but I'm edgy because I feel my option to jump for junk food is being compromised, tampered with for these next few days. And, frankly, that troubles me.

***How ironic that I'm looking out through my super-clear windows to the front yard of my neighbors' townhouse as I type this entry. I'm watching in disbelief as a highly motivated skunk digs up their front yard, dragging dirt and grass all the way from the sidewalk into a nook beneath their house. This crafty animal is working under the cover of night, ripping the lawn to bits and setting up house as everyone sleeps, the sneaky bastard.

If I hadn't been a witness to the skunk's destructive orchestration, I wouldn't have believed it by the light of day, suspecting instead neighborhood toughs, hooligans, gangbangers looking to settle a score. (Run for the hills, everybody!) And, thanks to Denise and her directive to see signs in everything, I get the connection between that stinker across the street and my own stinking habit in my own backyard, which, if left unchecked, could undermine all my hard work of Cleaning, Clearing, Makeovering and and Owning Up. Emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, I can see significant changes; I'm totally rocking. Where my salty-'n-sweet tooth's concerned, I'm not so happy right now.